You'll See

If I can grab hold of that twinkle which appears from time to time when I'm lucid, I know I can overcome whatever's got a hold over me. Or maybe this is just how life rolls sometimes. Maybe I'm just weak. Maybe wanting is creating this suffering. Maybe resistance is the true culprit.

How do I let go or give in? And how do I know the difference and when to do either? A thought crossed my mind...I think I'd be perfectly fine to be on my own. I'm the high priestess. I'm a witch...standing in my kitchen in the middle of a forest that no one would dare go to. I'm her...staring out the window, catching wind of a herb, concocting some poultice to soothe this aching heart.

People are cruel. I'm cruel. I don't know why. If it's in me, it's inside you. But not today. Today, I am alone in this place, in my kitchen that's adorned with plants and surrounding space, with warm turkish carpets. There's no room here for greed, power or lust. I have everything I need, anything I could ever want.

Here, I am content with what I already have. I take my time getting to know myself in this lot. There is no you. There is no him. There is no her. Nor them. It's just me and a fire. It's just me and some birds. It's just me and the rain. It's just me and the moon. It's just me and some sparkles of sunlight. It's just me and my pen, my paints, my brushes, my inks, my books, my thoughts, my love.

Do you know how sacred this place is? Do you know the power I have in my hands, this power that comes from God, himself? Do you understand that the problem lies in wanting all the wrong things? Do you get that you've forgotten the truth about things? Do you understand how insensitive and monstrous you've become in the name of the American dream, the first world dream? Don't you see how you've failed? How nothing awaits you on the other end when it's all over and you cease to take in another breath?! 

I take an herb, some resin and oils...and I muster up whatever grace that's left in me to bring about the rise of good over evil. The fake mighty will fall once again. Some of us have always known the truth. You'll see. Unfortunately for you though, it shall be too late.

As for me? I'll still be standing in my kitchen going about life in the usual way, giving thanks to this opening, this opportunity, with a smile in the corner of my mouth.

Dragon Blood

I remember why I stopped going to 'alternative' cafes and crystal shops. The people who work there, minus one or two, are total flakes. Please forgive me. And the guy that served me? What a moron. When someone's got it, they've got it. Sincerity oozes out. It's unmistakable. I just finished paying $13 for an oatmilk cappuccino and a small cookie and he couldn't even muster up some grace! Never again. These guys ruin it for the healing movement. 

I've been there, done that. He reminded me of a guy I worked with at a vitamin store many years ago. Pre-Covid, you might have thought these guys were odd then but during Covid, you came to realize just how completely enveloped they are by conspiracy theories! Total right wing nuts! Not lefties, at all. They lack compassion and are so far up their own asses, they've forgotten just how elitist they are, all those things they claim to be against. 

They are in total denial. They think going to a retreat is going to shield them from their own stupidity. All that fake positivity is toxic. Why did I come here? They sell magical room sprays...but I can bet my life that they have no real understanding or desire to learn what those oils together, along with an intention, can really do. It's all just superficial nonsense.

I asked this guy to confirm the cost of the room sprays, whether they were all $20. And as he made his way around the counter to the shelf to check, he said, "The price is on the bottom." I picked it up and said, "Great, thanks." And do you know what this ass-hole said, "That's what the sign says." That alone almost made me walk out. I should have.

I said, as I headed back to the counter to pay for my order, "Well, you know how it is with signs. They're not always clear." He must have heard my tone and proceeded to be nicer. Too late!

Pretentiousness and I do not mix. Back in the day, I would have swallowed that kind of arrogance and pushed down my voice...because secretly, I thought these people were better than me. Not anymore. 

They're all just wearing masks. Like me. I should pity them. Time to head home and use my dragon blood...

Loss

I want to reach out but I'm afraid. Afraid of being pushy or too forward, loose and perceived as a desperate woman. I can't win in a losing game no matter how much effort I expend. 

I suppose this is what's called Temptation. I want a taste of a nectar I've never had in the whole of my entire life. It's difficult to admit that to myself. I feel like a loser. 

It's one of those catch-22's. Either way I go, I end up losing something. The past is gone. I have to face the music that blares, "That ship has sailed, woman!" I should probably keep this all close to the chest. Yet, this is me being creative, connecting with my muse or my inner child. I've got to give it a voice so I can come to grips with these emotions, so I reconcile this underlying pang...of grief? I must be mourning a loss...a loss so big, it encompasses areas of my life that will never be. How do I make peace with it? Tell me.

I envy those who make it look so easy, who stumble and give way to it...because they want what they want when they want it. I've never been that person. Maybe, it's faulty wiring. If I could just shift perspectives, I'd have my way. But, at what cost? Don't people realize there's a price to pay for e v e r y t h i n g ?

I can't bare hurting anyone, especially those I love who in turn, love others. It's a circle that, once broken, can never be made whole again. 

So, I miss him. I miss how I felt when I was around him. I miss the familiarity when I stood next to him. 

What does it matter, anyway? This is just me sitting on a cloud in the sky. Sooner or later, this cloud will evaporate. May the green leaf man save me from feeling the blow of a hard ground once more...

My Birthday

Today’s my birthday. I’m going to treat myself to a margarita. Or maybe a daiquiri. I’m going to sit by myself and dream about all those things I’ll probably never do. I’ll whisper my wishes to the wind in the hopes they’ll be carried closer to an angel’s ears. And then I’ll wait and ask myself how I got here. This longing will never leave me. On good days, it tastes like honey. Wait, no. It tastes like ripe peaches. On bad days, I’m looking for a white flag to save me from the abyss. Why did you make me this way? I see a void in people’s eyes. There’s no one home. Even when we’re talking, I’m looking for something else and I can’t find it. Though if you ask me what I’m looking for, I couldn’t tell you! But, it’s not this. I know why you made me this way. It’s so that I turn to you and away from them. In another time and place, I’d live exactly the way I want to. I’d find my way to your room. You’ll undress me with your eyes and I’ll feel like the most beautiful thing in the world. I’d wrap my legs around you and you’d take your arms and hold me close. Then you’d take your left hand and squeeze my backside. But, tenderly and not like some brute. I’ll remember how life doesn’t imitate art and just like that, I’m pulled back into this world...where your room is not in our house...but in someone else’s, someone I don’t know, someone who isn’t at all like me. You’re nothing like him, either.

Crumbs

I can feel it slipping away...a kind of feeling or maybe it's a knowing...a knowing that something has most definitely slipped away. I blinked and there it was...gone. And then it has me wondering whether it was ever really here. How much can you mean to someone if you don't hear from them? It simply can't be much.

I'm in that space of absence. You know...when the absence is so big, you can feel it take up more space than it should. The sun doesn't make it better. It just magnifies this space and the absence it occupies. That's where I am right now. No one hears me. At least, not the living. 

I ought to not give it a second thought. I should tell myself to snap out of it, that I always knew better. Those moments were tiny reprieves from the sink hole. I tell myself to be grateful. It's hard to muster gratitude when something's gone. It's even harder to muster gratitude when you realize people were going through the motions. They didn't add anything of real substance or value to the interaction. I understand how we're all passing through. But, my ego, won't let me be thankful. 

It sucks when you invest more of yourself. It sucks when it goes unnoticed. It sucks that we don't know how to receive. It sucks that we're not present to receive. I dislike how people talk out of both sides of their mouth. Who are we? Who are you?

Ah, what does it matter? I rolled over and blinked and suddenly don't care. I slipped in the shower last night and the fall jolted me from my stuper. Some awakenings are real blessings, the way they come out of nowhere and help you see in a new way. And yes, some awakenings are still blessings even when they shake you to your core. Thank goodness for the ones we can bounce back from. 

I bounced back. I have a spring in my step and a smile on my face. I'm entering a new phase now, one that helps me see my worth and what I'm capable of, my independence, my strength. You can't imagine how much I don't need you. I can imagine how much you don't need me either. Time can do that - show you who you are, who people are, why people do what they do, why they say what they say. Time can show you the meaningless of some things while simultaneously demonstrating the meaning and value of everything else and all those things you take for granted, all those things that aren't shiny and new anymore. 

Commitment and loyalty have to stand for something. For better or for worse has to mean something. It does mean something. You have to bring meaning to it.  Otherwise, you're just some feather in the wind looking for something that doesn't exist. You're looking for something out there. What you're really looking for is what's already inside. But, there aren't any frills that draw you to that space or place so you fail to see it, access it and therefore, develop a kind of relationship that would open your eyes to the illusion of this reality we've created. 

Don't hurt the ones you love. The grass isn't greener on the other side. You don't have time to waste when you're in your 50's or 60's. If you want something, you have to attain it in the right way because there is a wrong way. And the wrong way can never be right no matter how much you want it to be. Your feelings don't matter. Your thoughts about it don't matter. Your opinion doesn't matter. All that matters is the way in which you do something, in the way in which you carry out your plans. And, if you make happiness your goal, you'll always be disappointed.

I'm not for rent. I'm worth more than your crumbs. All the money in the world won't make me lower myself so you can have your cake and eat it too. 

Two Worlds

I won’t let myself go there. Except when I find a tear, an opening, in the air. I stretch it out and wide to find a way in and away from here. You should see how beautiful this place is. No one tells you what to do or how to behave. There is no talk of God or religion. It’s just you and that space where the landscape changes just because you wish it to. 

There’s that tree again. And another tear in the air that I stretch out and wide and in I go. Now it’s me in a castle by the window overlooking the forest and the ocean in the distance. Your voice which was faint over there is so clear over here. Oh how I long for thee. In this dream. This dream of mine, I dare not bring you into. You’re right at the periphery just outside the line, the door. I won’t let you knock because I’ll have to let you in. But then I get scared I might not let you in at all and hurting you would feel unbearable to me. 

I catch a glimpse of you and your arms. I’ve never seen arms like that before. And your hands? Forget it. I can’t go there. Not even here where I think I’m in the clear and safe. Someone’s always watching even if they're not listening.

I take a needle and thread and stitch this hole up real nice. No one gets in and no one gets out. I miss you. I like knowing you’re in the world though not in mine. 

Staying Put

Is something going to give? It feels like one setback after another. Yet, I see the good things too. And I'm still learning that just because you get what you want, doesn't mean it's a good thing to have!

Here I am again, longing for what isn't. It's tiring. When all was perfect, I still found something to complain about. If I could turn back time, if I could slow time down, I'd taken that time to appreciate the little things. A quick glance would have become a long gaze. A shower would have turned into a bath. A text would have been a phone call...

I blinked. I just blinked and twenty years went by. I still wouldn't have had children so no regrets there. Have you seen what some parents look like these days? They go from not knowing who they are to raising little beings. 

But, who knows? Life would be a lot different if I had chosen another coloured pill. I suppose there isn't any point in speculating or guessing. It truly is what it is...and perfect despite its imperfections.

I know I shouldn't want. I know that wanting is suffering. Gosh, how easily things come to people when they want something. Religion doesn't factor in their decision-making. Not concepts of right and wrong. Not even what it might feel like to hurt another person in one's attempt to get what they want. And why? Because we have needs ? It sounds so pretentious and greedy...and selfish. 

Now they want us to believe that being selfish, putting myself first, in spite of my desires, is a good and selfless thing. It isn't. It can't be. It's just another human trying to justify his behaviour. And I'm not evolved? What a fool you are...you who will turn grey and old and perish.

You'd better believe there are things I want now I didn't want before. But, it won't be me to change things. I'll leave that all to something bigger, higher and ultimately wiser than me. There's nothing else I can do.