Crumbs

I can feel it slipping away...a kind of feeling or maybe it's a knowing...a knowing that something has most definitely slipped away. I blinked and there it was...gone. And then it has me wondering whether it was ever really here. How much can you mean to someone if you don't hear from them? It simply can't be much.

I'm in that space of absence. You know...when the absence is so big, you can feel it take up more space than it should. The sun doesn't make it better. It just magnifies this space and the absence it occupies. That's where I am right now. No one hears me. At least, not the living. 

I ought to not give it a second thought. I should tell myself to snap out of it, that I always knew better. Those moments were tiny reprieves from the sink hole. I tell myself to be grateful. It's hard to muster gratitude when something's gone. It's even harder to muster gratitude when you realize people were going through the motions. They didn't add anything of real substance or value to the interaction. I understand how we're all passing through. But, my ego, won't let me be thankful. 

It sucks when you invest more of yourself. It sucks when it goes unnoticed. It sucks that we don't know how to receive. It sucks that we're not present to receive. I dislike how people talk out of both sides of their mouth. Who are we? Who are you?

Ah, what does it matter? I rolled over and blinked and suddenly don't care. I slipped in the shower last night and the fall jolted me from my stuper. Some awakenings are real blessings, the way they come out of nowhere and help you see in a new way. And yes, some awakenings are still blessings even when they shake you to your core. Thank goodness for the ones we can bounce back from. 

I bounced back. I have a spring in my step and a smile on my face. I'm entering a new phase now, one that helps me see my worth and what I'm capable of, my independence, my strength. You can't imagine how much I don't need you. I can imagine how much you don't need me either. Time can do that - show you who you are, who people are, why people do what they do, why they say what they say. Time can show you the meaningless of some things while simultaneously demonstrating the meaning and value of everything else and all those things you take for granted, all those things that aren't shiny and new anymore. 

Commitment and loyalty have to stand for something. For better or for worse has to mean something. It does mean something. You have to bring meaning to it.  Otherwise, you're just some feather in the wind looking for something that doesn't exist. You're looking for something out there. What you're really looking for is what's already inside. But, there aren't any frills that draw you to that space or place so you fail to see it, access it and therefore, develop a kind of relationship that would open your eyes to the illusion of this reality we've created. 

Don't hurt the ones you love. The grass isn't greener on the other side. You don't have time to waste when you're in your 50's or 60's. If you want something, you have to attain it in the right way because there is a wrong way. And the wrong way can never be right no matter how much you want it to be. Your feelings don't matter. Your thoughts about it don't matter. Your opinion doesn't matter. All that matters is the way in which you do something, in the way in which you carry out your plans. And, if you make happiness your goal, you'll always be disappointed.

I'm not for rent. I'm worth more than your crumbs. All the money in the world won't make me lower myself so you can have your cake and eat it too. 

Two Worlds

I won’t let myself go there. Except when I find a tear, an opening, in the air. I stretch it out and wide to find a way in and away from here. You should see how beautiful this place is. No one tells you what to do or how to behave. There is no talk of God or religion. It’s just you and that space where the landscape changes just because you wish it to. 

There’s that tree again. And another tear in the air that I stretch out and wide and in I go. Now it’s me in a castle by the window overlooking the forest and the ocean in the distance. Your voice which was faint over there is so clear over here. Oh how I long for thee. In this dream. This dream of mine, I dare not bring you into. You’re right at the periphery just outside the line, the door. I won’t let you knock because I’ll have to let you in. But then I get scared I might not let you in at all and hurting you would feel unbearable to me. 

I catch a glimpse of you and your arms. I’ve never seen arms like that before. And your hands? Forget it. I can’t go there. Not even here where I think I’m in the clear and safe. Someone’s always watching even if they're not listening.

I take a needle and thread and stitch this hole up real nice. No one gets in and no one gets out. I miss you. I like knowing you’re in the world though not in mine. 

Staying Put

Is something going to give? It feels like one setback after another. Yet, I see the good things too. And I'm still learning that just because you get what you want, doesn't mean it's a good thing to have!

Here I am again, longing for what isn't. It's tiring. When all was perfect, I still found something to complain about. If I could turn back time, if I could slow time down, I'd taken that time to appreciate the little things. A quick glance would have become a long gaze. A shower would have turned into a bath. A text would have been a phone call...

I blinked. I just blinked and twenty years went by. I still wouldn't have had children so no regrets there. Have you seen what some parents look like these days? They go from not knowing who they are to raising little beings. 

But, who knows? Life would be a lot different if I had chosen another coloured pill. I suppose there isn't any point in speculating or guessing. It truly is what it is...and perfect despite its imperfections.

I know I shouldn't want. I know that wanting is suffering. Gosh, how easily things come to people when they want something. Religion doesn't factor in their decision-making. Not concepts of right and wrong. Not even what it might feel like to hurt another person in one's attempt to get what they want. And why? Because we have needs ? It sounds so pretentious and greedy...and selfish. 

Now they want us to believe that being selfish, putting myself first, in spite of my desires, is a good and selfless thing. It isn't. It can't be. It's just another human trying to justify his behaviour. And I'm not evolved? What a fool you are...you who will turn grey and old and perish.

You'd better believe there are things I want now I didn't want before. But, it won't be me to change things. I'll leave that all to something bigger, higher and ultimately wiser than me. There's nothing else I can do.

April 20, 2012

Today is the 13th year anniversary of my mugging. I've come to some realizations since then. 

While we might remember other people's birthdays and deaths, no one is going to recall the day when death came knocking on your door and you survived. Not one person.

You'll have to remind them and by reminding them, it sounds like you're looking for something, some kind of gesture that shows they love you, that they value who you are, that you have value to them.

If I had died that day, I'd forever be remembered as sweet Grace, a woman who had been taken away too young. 

There are no celebrations for survivors, victims of abuse and tragedies. The world continues to turn in its usual way. Today, we'll shed a tear, maybe even tomorrow. But then, we are forgotten. It isn't intentional, it's just another day...about me and my loved ones...about you and yours.

Isn't that why it's so unnerving when a painter becomes famous after death? Your work isn't noticed while you're living and breathing...unless you've got some luck on your side and not because you're really good at what you do.

I am observing this glorious Easter Sunday, this one single moment at a time. I'll give myself all the love I never got. I'll take a moment to notice the trees and the sky and let myself be swept away by them. Love is always readily available to me, to you. Just look and soak as much of it as your body will allow. 

My mind resists. It wants to go to that place of self-pity because misery loves company. Why am I looking for some grand gesture? My family isn't capable of giving it. I'm not even sure I'd know what it looks like. What I do know is that I can feel so small to the point of invisibility as though I weren't really here.

What irony. Yes, it's true. We take eachother for granted. We're all to blame and yet, we're blameless, too. This space doesn't operate in a sphere of winners and losers. We all suffer in some way. We all experience grief. We all handle darkness in our own way.

Expectation is a killer of spirit. 

The heaviness that has persisted since the new year is slow to lift. Oh god, I pray for some light, some relief. I'm strong but not that strong. I've got my own ailments, my own angels and demons I'm wrestling with.

Maybe the light comes in the form of divine intervention at just the right moment. I shouldn't minimize the significance of these happenings just because the result isn't what I think it should be or look like.

April is full of joys and sorrows. I also celebrate my 20th anniversary as a clinic manager for the same employer. I tell myself that expectation is a killer because my anniversary came and went and my boss gave me nothing. That isn't to say that nothing is coming, only that it didn't come on the day it should have. 

It brings up too much for me. The idea that I devoted twenty years of my life to the same person and not get anything when it counted the most, while I'm also experiencing the loss of my father-in-law, the deterioration of my partner's health, is heartbreaking, just so utterly, fucking, soul-crushing. 

Some expectations are meant to be had, if only to show yourself what you're willing or unwilling to continue with, to put up with. When someone stays where they aren't valued the way they feel they ought to be, it's time to leave. I learned that when you stay it's because you don't feel you deserve better. I wish it hadn't taken me so long to see this. I can't turn back time. I am grateful for all of it despite what I might be sharing here to the contrary.

It's time to turn the page for fuck's sake. It's time. 

Deaths

You just disappeared. Where are you? Is your absence intentional? Is it all in my head? Is there a way of proving my hunch? Or will I not care to wonder three months from now?

Time makes everything turn to yellow. Time will make me forget that I even had such negative thoughts. Or, it'll make me laugh at myself for having put energy into a lost cause, maybe an undeserving one, too. 

Right now, I perceive you as cold, as someone who enjoys listening to themselves talk. I don't get why it should hurt this much. 

Life's fragile. We're so busy protecting ourselves and our things, our lot. You hurt me. I know you didn't mean to. It's my fault I gave you time that should have been reserved for someone and something special. Because time, I'm learning, is a precious commodity. Don't you think so?

I'm surprised you could do that to me. That you could just ignore me. That you could toss me away so easily. It's strange. I don't understand. Though I get there's nothing really to understand!

I'm mourning so many things. One chapter after another is coming to a close, a definitive end, and like everyone else, I can't stop these endings.

Grief brings me closer to that isolating place and sometimes, its grip feels suffocating and unrelenting. I used to think it was death thst took away. It isn't. Life does all the work. Life gives and it takes away. 

Those endings that are abrupt while a person is still alive, are heart breaking. Just as with physical death, you're never quite prepared. 

You brought sunshine. And now I'm back with the moon again. I've always belonged to the moon. You reminded me of that.

I bid you farewell. May this world bless you and yours.

1996

The quality of work out there has gone to shit. The things that come out of young people's mouths at work should be grounds for dismissal. The quality of listening is so poor too. They can't even get the part where I said, "For here", right. 

One of these guys reminds me of Adam. I can see now just how full of himself he was. Oh my. We were as young as these guys are here now. We thought we had the world in the palm of our hands. But he couldn't afford a coffee and only ever bought me a single herbal tea the entire two years I knew him. Oh, please. What a cheap ass mother fu*ker. I can't believe I combed his Robert Plant hair!!

Every sentence is a run on with the word 'like' occupying too much space! Or the word, 'sick' to denote that something is great. And now, "I smoked a wicked one last night." Please be quiet. And of course, they're all either actors or musicians who think they're god's gift to the world. People will say I'm just jealous. I am not. I am nothing like these guys are now nor like the guys of days gone by. I was decades past. And that's why I suffer. 

Whether they're mature or immature, whether they're on the left or the right - both equally messed up - they lack depth! They lack soul! They lack vision! 

Actors are the worst. I've been around them for such a long time. It's all recycled personality bullshit disguised to look like talent and meaning. 

Oh my god, the horror of the situation is staring at me in the face as the light from the turning ball above adds emphasis to an already frightening realization - that most of us are all dead inside. 

The Flutter

I know what goes through people's minds when they see you sitting, time after time, alone at a cafe. They assume you are alone and they equate this aloneness with loneliness. Let me set this straight.

This is exactly where I want to be...here alone with my cappuccino and lemon meringue pie, including the thoughts I see form on my plate or in the cinnamon in my cup.

I like where my mind goes sometimes. This kind of peace that finally enters wouldn't be even remotely possible by sitting together with another person. Not that I don't enjoy the company of others. It's just that I need this space I've carved out for myself to recharge and refuel. Otherwise, I can't be good to me and I won't have enough of anything to be good to the other.

I cherish this time alone. I notice the blue of the sky. I hear the chirps of birds. I sense the churning of soil, can feel the anticipation of warm rain. Do you think that would be possible otherwise? Not unless I tuned out the person talking. But that would be rude, wouldn't it?

I choose this. I don't need you. I don't need him. I don't need anything except for what's always right here. I just have to sit quietly and observe. I just need to settle into myself.

Oh baby, you're the guy who's going to wish he'd married someone like me. But you were too busy spreading your seed to notice, too busy being the kind of guy I never had any interest in. And I was busy being the girl you see right now, busy growing into the woman you thought didn't exist. That's your problem.

It's not your fault you were raised in the usual way. It's not flattering or sexy knowing how many women you've been with. Not that there's anything wrong with that. It only becomes gross when all the women you slept with are judged as "worse than guys." I can't stand the double standard.

I don't even know why I care to argue given I was never the kind of woman to throw myself at some guy just because he had money. I make my own money. Always have. And then I found a man with similar values as mine. I can't expect a stubborn man like you to understand. You can't understand. It's not in your nature.

Now I have to wait for this fluttering to stop, a fluttering that began when I thought I might need you. Boy, was I wrong. 

We all make our choices, don't we? We get exactly what we deserve, whether we like it or not.

I got what I deserve. I'm so lucky, baby. I love how Mary leads the way, how she helps me see.