Exploration

I don't want to give the impression that I'm lonely or sad. I've read through my blogs and a fear took over--I sound perhaps depressed or under the weather. Although I have felt these emotions throughout my life, I'm not writing about these category of feelings, at least not in the way we're accustomed to understanding them. In fact, I haven't felt these emotions for a long while, ever since I changed my lifestyle but that's for another blog. Maybe I care too much what others think but I feel I should be really clear about something.

I'm exploring my ideas and spiritual sentiments in this space. People do it through music or art or any other creative outlet. At this time, I choose to explore through writing. Words are funny sometimes. But honestly, I don't feel the need to write when I'm happy or ecstatic--these aren't feelings I want to explore. Most of the time I have an idea about what I want to share but the flavor of the piece is revealed as I go along. I can't pretend here. It's unfair to me and the reader. I can't freely talk about this face to face, not unless I'm part of a group where expression is encouraged, where the format is designed to explore such ideas. However, the ideas don't freely come to me when I'm face to face with another person, no matter who it is. This isn't entirely true, of course. There are those special and rare people I speak to openly who simply get me. I just find that on paper, I can express my feelings poetically in a way I'm not able to express vocally. On paper, there isn't anything holding me back--I'm not distracted by a look in the eye, or some other form of non verbal communication that would indicate the other person is in a hurry or just not listening. Even if the other is fully engaged, I'm not able to be fluid with my thoughts. The poetry is lost. I don't know how else to put it. The magic is gone. It takes a back seat. It stops breathing. That's why I write because here it flows easily and uninterrupted.

I lean towards the highly Romantic. I'm investigating those things that I don't want to go unnoticed or unacknowledged. Here, it's all about depth. There's got to be some kind of depth because otherwise, it's just not worth it for me. There's plenty of meaningless stuff I could occupy my time with but I choose not to entertain that here. I want to explore the intangible, the unseen, that ever elusive veil. My cup is half full and sometimes it overflows. If there's one thing I've learned about myself is that I need contrast. In the dark, I'm able to see the light and appreciate it for what it truly is. In my sweet sorrow (which is unlike sadness), I can taste how great the joy is (which is unlike happiness). Where there's a front, there's a back. That's what I know. That's what I like to explore. Gibran may have written from the heart but I never once thought he was a sad person. When you speak from the heart, you naturally reside in sacred territory. You speak from a place of universal and unconditional Love not love. The heart won't let me disrespect it by being false or insincere.

This so called longing I speak of is not meant to be satiated in its entirety. I'd have nothing to write about otherwise. I don't even know what this longing is exactly. And it isn't designed to be filled by some other thing or person if only to provide some insight and further exploration. I'm content with my state of being. This is about self-exploration.