Mr. Crowley and I

How is it possible that I could feel on top of the world one minute and down the next? What is that? What have I relinquished my power too? Is it a sign that my happiness is contingent on external factors? I must change this.

It’s time to have a conversation with Mr. Crowley. I’ve been avoiding him for a month now but this morning he finally made his way in and unpacked his bags. We’ll see what happens. I’m tired.

We sit together at a picnic table, side by side, he to my far right. It’s a beautiful summer morning in Italy somewhere. I know there’s a house behind us although I don’t turn around to take a look. Directly in front of us are green grass, trees, and a little off to the right, ocean. The leaves rustle in the breeze and I’m at ease. Actually, I’m quite surprised it’s so beautiful, so green and blue out here. I half expected to be cold and the weather to be dark and brooding. But I digress…

Mr. Crowley has a pipe in his left hand and in the other, a glass of wine. He’s wearing an elegant black suit, one taken out of the 40’s. I really don’t know what to say to this man. I’m hoping he doesn’t turn his head to look at me because I know full well he’s going to see right through me--the nonsense, insecurities, fears and lies. I’m not quite prepared for that. For all he cares, I’m not even around, not real just some thing the wind blew in. And lucky for both us, I don’t want to be a distraction. Not today.

But I’m a fool and he’s the magician. He misses nothing. Thank goodness for that English accent. It’s the only thing keeping me from ending this whole thing. I’m a sucker for the English. I ought to show gratitude for all of my revelations but there’s always a price to pay. Why does there always have to be a price to pay? And I know what the answer is. That’s the problem. I always have the answer even when I pretend not to. People like me don’t make mistakes. We’re always so bloody busy keeping everything under control, doing the right thing, keeping things steady and contained.

Crowley makes me feel uneasy. I can’t hide behind religion here, not morality or ethics. With Crowley, it’s dark and necessary. I’ve got to cross the abyss, that bloody wasteland to love ALL of myself. He won’t let me bury my head in the sand no matter how badly I want to. He knows I need someone to tell me what to do. He knows I have the answers but he understands I’m unwilling to take the necessary risks to take me out on a new trajectory or keep me growing on my current path. He knows I don’t take things lightly. He knows The Emperor, The High Priestess, Temperance, and the Lovers are always looking over my shoulder. He knows I hear them but that I don’t completely understand their message. They piss me off. They’d best leave me alone.

Crowley nods his head from side to side. Shoot. Here he goes.

Let loose. Let go. Why so heavy?

Are you serious? That’s it? That’s your wisdom?

He chuckles. Your conscience is in tact. No need for worry there.

He says it with such sarcasm, it’s upsetting to me.

Get naked. Run across fields of grass. Jump in the water. Bathe in the moonlight. Give of yourself. This is where and how you will find freedom. Take the necessary risks required to attain this kind of freedom. You might actually make the right choice. And if you make a mistake, so be it. Without friction there is no growth. You’re too busy protecting yourself, too busy trying not to hurt anyone. Yes, quite noble but emotionally, very foolish. Spiritually, a waste.

Freedom is a loaded word, no? I mean, I am free.

Freedom is the ability to express openly without forming any attachments, to be boundless and limitless. You said it yourself. When you change the way you see yourself, the world changes too. We become expansive and yet grounded.

I don’t know how to be boundless. I don't know how not to form attachments.

You tell yourself you don’t know how to avoid having to make a decision without realizing that you just made one. You’re allowing yourself to be influenced by fear to the point of exhaustion. Sitting in between two pillars may be safe but that little something keeps tugging at you to go left or right, to move. Someone like you can’t make friends with denial. Your higher self won’t let you. You’re aware. Half the battle has already been won. How did it feel to carry two swords? Please do tell.

How do you know about that? I dreamed of that this morning.
Two swords, one in either hand--I felt a sense of power moving them in the air, forming a circle counterclockwise to my left and counterclockwise to my right, then with hand firmly gripped, I take the right sword over my head, again swinging it counterclockwise with speed and precision out directly in front of me to the left. These swords were an extension of me.

I take a break for two minutes...

I saw what you did. You were compelled to look up the meaning of the Two of Swords card and then realized you had just pulled it earlier this afternoon in its reverse. I saw your face when you read the last sentence. A sense of realness took over, didn’t it? Paste the description into the text here. Let yourself see it again.

"In a reversed position the Two of Swords represents being forced to make a decision, having no choice whatsoever, or leaving others to make choices for you. It also represents the act of purposefully choosing to have no say in order to avoid taking responsibility."

And all of this is a bit surreal right now considering what I just wrote a little while ago. How does this stuff happen?

Freedom, making decisions, what do...?

Does your sense of freedom rest in stability or spontaneity, worldly things or spiritual matters? Do you love unconditionally? When you see yourself in all things and all things in others, you'll never doubt what must be done, what path must be followed, what course of action must be taken.

Just before I can get a word in or ask for clarification, he continues.

Stop procrastinating. The longer you wait, the foggier your mind will become. In your dream, the two swords coexisted, no conflict. Where there is a front there is a back. Where there is light, there is dark. We have the sun and the moon, twilight and dawn, joy and sorrow. In your world, the world of duality, each sword wants dominance over the other, hence, the imbalance. What is preventing them from coexisting? This is what you have to ask yourself. Yes, you are struggling to see what the right option is and some may say, weigh this or that out. I’m telling you, you must just do. There is power in not knowing where the chips may fall but it does require some faith in uncertainty. Don't be angry with the cards you pull. They are your messengers, your allies. Be grateful.