Necessity

If I should see
What I could be
I will love Thee
Honorably.

This need not be difficult. But it is. It is. I have failed in all the ways you've needed me to succeed. I am sorry. Sorry for these little interjections, these tiny hiccups that tend to create insurmountable mountains with their breath. I am sorry for my shortcomings, for this personality that hangs on for dear life.

I see what I can be when I lose--an argument, a game. I see what I can be when I persist and insist I do not need to win. You smile your little smile and I worry. I worry I will not be heard or is it that I will be? You must see beyond me and these layers. You must not listen to a word I say. I lie and do not know it. Forgive me for I know not what I say. Forgive me for I know not what I do.

How I wish to share these things that I've seen. How I wish to connect. God knows how alone I have felt on this side. But to cross this line would create a loneliness I could not bear. To go back to a life I no longer recognize. To find no comfort where there once was, you cannot fathom what this tastes like when you find yourself in this place, when you've traveled so far to get where you now stand and even so, they have only been tiny steps, just tiny steps. How much farther one must go...it is overwhelming.

But what am I to do? Tell me. Speak. It is this heart that leads. I do not know the why or the how of it, but I am certain it is my heart that leads. And I follow. Willingly. Without doubt. Blindly? No, not quite. There is a faith here I trust. It is still too early to trust myself so I must rely on something else. I see that this something else is greater than I.

Do not give up on me. I mean well even in my stupidity and insecurities, in my reactions. I'm not asleep all of the time. Sometimes I am truly awake and I can see you in the far distance above and beyond this world.