Lack of Essence?

I tended to him because I looked up to him. He was my "guide", my spiritual "mentor." I don't regret any of the things I've done. My actions stemmed from my heart, which grows larger each day. I asked for nothing in return. To give was its own reward.

It was a mistake that I put him up on a pedestal. This is true. In many ways, I was so much farther along than I could have gathered at first. I was a living example of the Work, of what Mr. Gurdjieff spoke about. When I was with my guide, I was with that part of him which Mr. Gurdjieff called "essence." I tried to access this in him at all times. It was a relentless pursuit of mine. I looked for it in his eyes, his voice, his movements, and his words.

Over time, it became more difficult to connect with this. Sometimes, I came to doubt whether I had ever come into contact with this "thing" to begin with. This is when the tears first came, at the onset of this realization, that perhaps I was looking for something that simply wasn't there, that I had been wanting to transform something false into a truth and the futility of this had become so unbearable.

I would have had to admit that I was a fool, that I was stupid, that I had allowed myself to be mislead...well, by myself, in spite of my intuition and dreams that kept telling me something was not right, that all was not what it seemed.

But how? He was my "guide." I wanted him to be that for me and yet I found myself "helping" him. I saw that in myself, this tendency to want to "tend" to him, to show him there was another way he ought to conduct himself, another way he ought to spread the message, another way he could do things, or lead his life along this path. I wanted this because I believed in him, in that some "thing" I clung on to as hard and for as long as I could.

But I am not his wife, not his lover, not really his friend, not his sister, or coworker. I am just a woman in the Work who happened to be in a group, who also happened to volunteer her time to helping herself help him grow and maintain a group. I succeeded in helping with this even though the outcome may suggest otherwise.

I am not to blame for trusting him, for being open and true, for being genuine and sincere. I am not to blame for being honourable. Nonetheless, I cannot make excuses for his behaviour especially when he uses terms in the Work to justify why he is who he is. That kind of hypocrisy simply doesn't sit well with me. As soon as the impression comes, I get a taste of it, its vibration and quality. I cannot escape the truth. I only pretended not to "hear" what was speaking to me loud and clear, with intent and fervor. If anything, I had allowed my heart to take over at the expense of my Self. And because I ignored the messages, I have had to pay a price. And rightfully so.