Disappointment

I take my clothes off and set them aside, as I always do, by a rock.

I stand under a spring..a warm spring. One day, when I leave this place, I swear to God, some of those angels and I...we're going to have a good, long talk. Because, I don't understand. I'll never understand. I'm too naive, too stupid...my heart, too sweet.

Let them hurt me a thousand times. It won't be me who hurts them. No way. Let them torture me, as they do now. What do I care? I have integrity. It's not their fault they can't "see." They're not worthy of an inch of me...not of my body...my heart...my mind...my spirit. They deserve nothing.

A woman told me once that I need to learn the art of pretend. I need to learn when to wear the mask. Because people like to play. They're like children...vulnerable children who protect and shield themselves from hurt and pain. I don't want to live like that. I'm not of this world. I'm not of this world. If I could pick up and leave, I would...and sail away...far from this place...towards one filled with imagination, enchantment and wonder.

I can't believe how stupid man is. I let the water wash away these thoughts...these persistent and troubled thoughts. I deserve better. I deserve the real. I deserve magic...not some coward who won't fight for me, who doesn't love me, who only wants in my pants, who can't respect even himself. What good is he to me?!

I hold onto myself. I grab hold of my arms. I tell myself, "It's alright. It's alright. Your time will come. Sooner or later, all of this will end." I thought I was weak. No, that's not it. I am strong, stronger than I could have ever imagined. I'm almost resentful of this strength, this fortitude, this resilience. It ensures I rely on myself. Every time I let my guard down, even a little bit, the potential for pain is great. What do I do? Remain like the High Priestess? Keep my mouth shut? Let myself dwell in Mystery? Or do I live like the Queen of Cups? Let myself be open and humble to everything and everyone? No, that won't work, either. I must be the Lady of the sword...

I mustn't trust so easily. I get burned. How I get burned. If I could let all of this slide off my back...half the battle would be won. But, I'm not there yet. I'm too sensitive. I don't expect to be understood. The places one would need to travel to reach me...ah...impossible! So, I look up and then down. I whisper a little prayer...a tiny wish...and hope it reaches the Heavens.

In the meantime, I stand under this Spring, alone, and I wait...I wait for the day when I can make sense of this all. Man can't save me. How can he, when he can't even save himself? When he can't even see there's something to save? When he hasn't built anything to save?