Gods & Goddesses - Part 2

I could have cried when he told me I was being dramatic and that he didn't like that. I felt like a child in that moment. It's as if I'd been trying so hard to be on my best behaviour, to be the perfect specimen, only to be scolded...for nothing. I'm telling you, it was for nothing. If anything, I had shown concern for him. Innocently. No big deal. But, no...I was the 'dramatic' one, the one who indulged in 'dramas'. He clearly doesn't know me.

I realized in that moment that nothing good could ever really come from knowing him. I want a connection, real interaction. He doesn't want to be vulnerable. He fears all of that. And, I'm bored. That's boring. Fun and laughs but no intimacy? I can't stand that world. It wreaks of fear and control. I don't know why he thinks it's okay to talk to me like that. Truth be told, if I'd really been behaving that way, I'd want someone to call me on it. But that would have only worked if I was going on and on about something that was going on in my life. That wasn't the case. I was showing concern for him and what he was going through. I guess I was showing too much affection?

That's what's so unnerving about him. He doesn't understand that he can be a strong and sensitive man at the same time. He won't lose his manliness by being vulnerable. But, what do I know? I'm just a woman who talks too much and is too emotional.

This isn't about him, though. This is about me. I'm writing to sort out my thoughts and my feelings. When he's mean, I retreat back into my chair. It's an automatic response. I cower away. I'm interested to know why I cower away. Who am I responding to, really? My father? A projection? I feel voiceless. I hate feeling voiceless...shut down...muted. Back in the day, I may have remained silent...out of fear...or shame. Maybe a bit of both. I think of my mother...of every woman who's ever had to keep quiet out of fear of being reprimanded or belittled.

I haven't mastered the art of response. I react but I'm much quicker on my feet. Maybe, I have improved over time. I can be sharp and hurtful with my words. Why wouldn't I be? If he's going to dish it out, why wouldn't I defend myself? Maybe, silence would have been a better tactic. But, silence has been my friend for way too long. Then I was deemed rude. For defending myself. I guess he would have preferred I stayed quiet. Then he would have felt in control. I would have been the good and submissive woman.

I am the Goddess to the God he is not. He can never be the God to the Goddess I am.

Gods & Goddesses

I take a glimpse out the window. The heat of the candles inside create a peaceful ambiance and atmosphere. The cold outside is bitter but it makes me long for Spring. It's okay. For now, I bundle up warm and gather my resources within. I think of days gone by, how they've blended together to create one note. My note. It makes no difference the span or duration...this note, this sound...is the same within and throughout for what I am and what I see is a reflection of who I am.

This world is upside down. We don't see. I feel alone in this place. I am misunderstood. I cannot be reached. The Stars reach me, though. The Sun. The Moon. They reach me. I reach them. Out there, nothing but humans. When we fail, we say, "Well, I'm only human." When we want, we say, "Well, I'm only human." When we want our needs met, we say, "Well, I'm only human." When we use others to get what we want, we say, "Well, I'm only human." Right. So what? Tell me something useful. Show me more than this. But no...no....More than this, you know there's nothing...

Man is lonely. Man is small. But, he has the potential to be so much more. Greater than who he is now. I realize in his current state, he can never be the God to my Goddess. And I cannot be a Goddess to the God he is not.

Oh, midnight skies, how I embrace you. You're the silence that is music to my ears! I take a deep breath and tilt my head back and remember. I remember what was and what is no more. What will tomorrow bring? More of the same, I wonder? That's fine, too, I think - more of the 'same'. I have an opportunity to see this sameness in a new way...if I make a shift within myself, if I make an effort. Maybe 'sameness' has never been the problem. Maybe, maybe, it's always been me and my perceived limitations. What resides in this thing we call 'routine'? I see the bare trees. I feel the wind in my hair. I feel the warmth of my heart. I see and feel the open skies. I understand the rain. I'm nourished by the food I prepare. I scent my space with sweet perfumes. I read literature that lifts my soul. I write and explore to nourish myself. This is my routine. This is my sameness. Yes, I also work. I clean. I watch television. I experience this routine with my wholeness...so, routine doesn't have to feel like a negative. Maybe there's a negative connotation to 'routine' because we're fragmented in our relationship to it. We aren't present fully to these moments. We favour some over others. But, time is time so we have to make the best out of all of it.

I remember when I felt there was promise. I remember when I sensed a door was opening. All I had to do was take the first step in, but I didn't. I couldn't. Something about him wouldn't let me. But, I wanted to. A part of me really wanted to. To do those things I never did as a teen, as a young woman.

I feel things about myself I never felt then. I see things about myself I didn't understand then. Nothing outside of myself can feed what only I can feed to myself. It's okay that I'm not seen. It's alright that he can't reach me. It's fine that he doesn't want to. It's all okay. Because he's not the God to the Goddess that I am. I'll always be the Goddess to the God he is not.

That Feeling

I want to replicate a feeling. I'm going to replicate that feeling...that feeling I felt that summer...that summer I'll never forget. I'm looking for it. I'm creating it. I'm going to make it happen. It's looking for me, too. It wants to find me. I want to find it. I will find it...because it's mine. It's mine. It's always been mine. I can have what I want because 'what' I want is accessible. It's beyond this place but not beyond this place at all. It's larger than life and beautiful...more beautiful than anything I've ever seen in this world. And, when it comes, when I feel it...when I taste it, I'll know it. I'll recognize it. Because it's home. It's untainted and untarnished. I have to humble myself. I have to work hard. But, it's doable and it's worth it. It's worth it!

I haven't felt that feeling since. But, I'm close. I'm so close. Just a little longer. Just a little more patience. And I'll have rediscovered real beauty. Real peace. Real freedom.

It seems like such a silly thing, such a cliche when people say that all the money in the world can't buy you happiness. Money helps. That's for sure. But you don't need all the money in the world to find happiness right here, right now. I swear...it feels like a switch was turned off and then suddenly, it gets turned on...and the whole world lights up and everything in it. Even everything outside of the world. The Universe, the Stars, the Moon and the Sun...they ALL become so real. It's always been majestic and real. I just couldn't see it. Oh wait, nothing exists outside of this world...How lovely. Imagine all of the things and secrets there are to discover and reacquaint myself with...Let them awaken those parts that have been dormant for so long!

I'm on my hands on knees. But, I don't have to beg. I just put my hands together and I give thanks...give thanks for helping me see. And, I ask to be pardoned for my ignorance, for my lack of luster. It only takes one step, and then another, and another...to find yourself...to discover what you are, what you're made of. I can have Heaven on Earth. I can experience Heaven on Earth. I'm going to experience Heaven on Earth. Again. Because, it's my right. It's my inherent right. I will remember.

Don't let anyone tell you that things are 'just the way they are'. No. No. We create our own reality. There are things we can control and things we cannot. Going with the flow prevents resistance. There are some things we'd be better off going with the flow and other things where we ought to resist. Resistance...the right kind...though it brings difficulty and pain, builds character, builds strength...It helps you see how far and wide and deep you actually move. How confined IS your 'space'? Even a spec of sand in my hand can be seen as the world entire. I am that spec of sand. Perception can liberate or cage...

So, I watch myself bloom. I see myself reach for the Stars. I raise my head and hands to the skies. I bathe under the light of the Moon. I long for what this life can bring. And, I can have it. I will have it. I do have it. It's right....here.

Me And My World

There's only me and my World.

Minus the crooks, liars and cheats.

Minus the mobsters, their wives and their mistresses.

Oh, how I pity these women. 

Do you really think he ever loved you?

Tell me, do you think Hitler was capable of love? 

It isn't possible.

You were nothing but new shiny earrings on a mannequin.

You were the mannequin - empty and hollow. And not because you're empty and hollow. But, because you bought into the lies. You fell under the spell of the Magician. It was all illusion, wasn't it? But, I'm sure, at first, it felt like he put on a good show.

Some of you fell for the bling and the flash - the jewelry, the cars, the house, his touch and charm - the 'fantasy' or what some would call 'the good life'.

And when it was all said and done, you even paid with your life.

I hope you're able to exercise your revenge from beyond the grave.

You'll have to ask the Angels for permission, though, but I doubt they'd allow it...unless, they're Demons. Will you even know the difference?

You can forget God. 

You killed your God a long time ago. 

It makes no difference that you christened your children, that you put crucifixes around your boys' necks. What did it matter? 

God was never there.

God stopped listening.

There's only me and my World.

Minus anyone mean and cruel.

Minus the thugs, the selfish and the greedy.

Minus people like you.

There's only me and my World.

Ladybugs and butterflies.

Fields of lush green grass.

Majestic trees.

The oceans and the stars.

The Moon and the Sun.

Spiders and centipedes.

Knives and Swords.

Alligators and venomous snakes...

So if you happen to stumble my way, 

I'll be ready for you.

On The Bathroom Floor

I'm the girl with Irish bones, standing on Irish soil in my Irish dress dreaming of sitting on a rock by the Irish Sea.

But, no. I'm here, curled up on the bathroom floor, wondering what went wrong. Oh the peace, the peace I felt once the spinning stopped and the discomfort subsided. Still, I'm here, curled up on the bathroom floor trying to recall what I was.

There's no grace. Only Rose. Rose. Rose is my name. And the scent of roses and lush greens, fields and pastures. My heart is like a lighthouse. I find my way back, back home, my home...to Rose. To Rose. To me. To the girl with Irish bones, standing on Irish soil in her Irish dress dreaming of sitting on a rock by the Irish Sea.

Let me be scattered and carried by the wind. Let the storms come and wash me away. It's no matter. I'll always be the girl with Irish bones, standing on Irish soil in my Irish dress dreaming of sitting on a rock by the Irish Sea...

In this life, I'm affiliated with old women dressed in black, overbearing Godfathers and silent Godmothers, mafia cars, drugs and money and overweight pigs, their whores and mistresses, kids who grow up not knowing how to treat women, boys who never become men and girls who make it their dream to remain...pretty and desirable.

Let me walk now. Let me walk, in my Irish dress toward the Irish Sea, as I lay curled up on the bathroom floor. Let me make music with my Irish bones and do not dare disturb me, as I lay curled up on the bathroom floor. I invite the wind and the water and the birds in the trees, to add texture to my song...to this song, which originated so long ago and from deep within, as l lay curled up on the bathroom floor.

I find a rock and sit by the Irish Sea. I lay my Irish bones down. What a perfect day. Just me and these clouds, the misty rain and the sound of the sea. I take off my dress and let my hair down. I offer a gift to the gods...because I'm the girl with Irish bones, standing naked on Irish soil by the Irish Sea.

As I lay on the bathroom floor, I pray. I pray like I've never prayed before. No, that's not true. I prayed that hard one other time. I beg Her to save me, to save me from this moment, this moment of loss and desperation. I pray. I pray to be kept safe and well. And, my mind wanders. It wanders. I stare into space and the space becomes a landscape...a landscape which includes a girl with Irish bones, standing on Irish soil in her Irish dress dreaming of sitting on a rock by the Irish Sea...

I don't want to leave this place...this place by the Irish Sea. I don't want to wake up. I want to stay here. Here, with my Irish bones.

I bring my head back and let myself feel the drops, the drops of rain like tears from the Irish clouds. My arms are outstretched for a moment or two. Then I lay my hands over my chest and I give thanks. I give thanks for this moment which spawned as a result of my laying curled up on the bathroom floor. The flame flickers. The light is faint. My light, my light...is fading. 

So let it fade. It's only a flame. All things must die and end. Let me be extinguished. Later does not matter, anyway. Because all I have is now. All I am is what I am...now. All I have is what I have...now. My name is Rose. I'm the girl with Irish bones, standing naked on Irish soil by the Irish Sea.

You'll find me in rocks and stones. You'll sense me in the water. You'll hear me whispering through the leaves in the trees. You'll see me in the distance supporting and encouraging you home. I'm everywhere. I'm beyond this flicker of light. I am the light in the night. I am the darkness in the light. 

I take a few steps in the water. My naked body and the sea become one. I'm home. I'm home, as I lay curled up on the bathroom floor. Because I'm the girl with Irish bones who was standing on Irish soil in her Irish dress, no longer dreaming of sitting on a rock by the Irish Sea...

The Queen of Swords' Burden

Why does this Queen tend to be seen in a negative light? She's seen as the cold one, angry, revengeful, stern and abrasive. Yes, perhaps in her negative aspects. And yes, her blade can cut and wound but that's not always a bad thing. I'm interested in focusing on her positive characteristics and therein lies the problem because her positives, I've come to realize, are a difficult thing for some to bear.

She defends herself and her own honour. She can decipher and sense your motivations behind the words you use. She'll see if there's a discrepancy or an incongruity there the second you open your mouth. Is this not a good quality? Is it not one you would want to cultivate and enhance in yourself? If she were a man, we'd be patting him on the back for being sharp and intelligent. Yet, when she does it, she's deemed a bitch, stuck up and unapproachable.

Why is her strength admonished and reduced to a weakness while a man's strength is respected and raised to a 'holier than thou' status?

It is said she lacks heart and warmth. Yet, it's her heart and warmth that draws you close. It's her wit and intelligence that attracts you to her. It's her strength that you recognize and envy. She's seen things in her life and when she feels, she feels deeply. If she's betrayed, these feelings become like a poison in her blood or a sharp knife that turns inward. It might take a long time for her to heal and though she may forgive, she cannot forget. All the power in the world will not allow her to forget. It's not set up that way. The experience becomes imprinted on her brain and every painful experience she endures thereafter become her little jewels. They are gifts but don't ever tell her that. She'll laugh in your face.

All of that darkness and tragedy give rise to a kind of wisdom she can't help but make her silent weapon - her weapon against the set up and structure of this world, its falseness and inauthenticity. So, make no mistake, if you cross her, you will regret it. Not because she's going to do anything. She most likely will not do a thing. She'll simply turn her back on you. She's been there, done that. She knows what you're all about. She doesn't have time for the unworthy.

If she sees you're up to no good, if she senses you're a taker or a liar, she'll smile a little smile but her wheels are turning. In that moment, she's made up her mind about you and she'd be right even if you think she's wrong. It's just that she's become such an expert at detecting bullshit, there's nothing you could say or do to redeem yourself once you've lost her trust. She's already figured you out. It's too late.

She sometimes wishes this 'gift' wasn't so. It makes her feel lonely. She doubts whether there IS any good in the world. She doesn't want to raise her sword to you but you leave her no choice. Her word is like gold. When she gives, she gives fully and wholeheartedly. She gives with her Being. She can't settle for anything less than that in the other.

But what makes her utterly beautiful and larger than life is her ability to cut you down without ever having to use that sword. Her words carry intent and meaning. In that space between words, too, a stirring takes place and she can feel it. And she knows you can feel it, too. She's in a league of her own. You'll wish you'd never met her. Why? Because she's seen right through you and she knows you don't deserve her. She knows that you know you don't deserve her, either. And that thought satisfies her, immensely.