Life & Death

 I think it's unfair...the lack of words to capture a specific feeling or sentiment. The words are not always there to reflect this difference.

Death feels finite and it implies an end. There's no arguing that. But, life...it feels long and wide...and falsely...mine.

Yet, there's no guarantee that life will be long and wide, is there? The word itself gives one a false sense of security. But death, no...death is clear, real and inescapable. 

When they say life is like death and death is like life...no, not really.

Death is a moment in time. Life can be, but, typically is not. We're given the impression that we have a lot of time to discover who we are, to do the things we want, to experience...life. Seems like I'm writing in contradictions. Maybe in that sense life is like death. But death is not like life. It can't be.

I can't begin to tell you the kind of sorrow that comes over me when I imagine life without...(fill in your own blanks). I consume the moment, whole, and the feeling becomes more intense. There's a tendency to want to escape the thought...Who wants to stay with such a thing? But, staying with it brings love to the surface, which in turn, permeates everything around me. The look of his back and hair when he's getting ready for bed, when he doesn't know I'm looking, wow, how bitter sweet.

I want to put him in my pocket and keep him safe. I want the moment to be drawn out, to be contained, to be forever in time. But time, of course, doesn't work that way. It's always the same and yet, it's constantly changing, moving and taking a bite into everything, even when it feels like we're not changing or moving. And then I recall the nights before...and I pray there are more days ahead.

I fall asleep again. Sleep can be so merciful at times, so forgiving, so understanding, so embracing. Being awake can be painful when our awareness is far bigger than ourselves and our restless and noisy minds.

I force my way back to good thoughts and then I realize, no, these painful thoughts have their place, too. There are no vices to drown them out, at least, not for me. The world of duality...is designed and set up to be this way in order to be able to value the other in its absence, to be able to appreciate what we've got and understand fully what we had, when...it's gone. How cruel...How compassionate...And that I should be grateful for such things knowing full well they will not last. That's the biggest adjustment of all.