Fake Blood

They say, "Forgive and forget." I don't think I've ever really extended forgiveness to anyone who's hurt me or continues to hurt me. 

What does it mean 'to hurt' someone? I think it manages to find itself in the grey area of expectation when it has no place there. We all fail to meet people's expectations. In many circumstances, we just need to let people be and allow ourselves the same courtesy.

'To hurt' someone can be both intentional or unintentional. Unintentionally involves gossip or talking behind someone's back.

Intentionally is deliberate. It's going out of your way to make it unpleasant for the other. It's being of two faces...in action. I think you care about me but I know better. 

I'm tired of the need to fit in. It was so tiresome growing up always feeling like the odd man out with friends and cousins. Finding out someone didn't want you around...is hurtful...painful. I mean, why? Why didn't they want me around?

Jealousy!! 

It never occurred to me to use that to my advantage. I kept trying to fit in, to be wanted, to be accepted, to be loved. I never had the courage to confront these little fuckers, to tell them to their face how shallow they are.

And then one day, I stopped...reaching out. They stopped, too. Not a peep from any of them. Not even when I was mugged! 

When they started having kids, I wished them well...in my heart. But I knew then what I've always known but couldn't accept...we are different people. I don't like hanging out with them either. 

There's nothing to talk about except the usual superficial bull-shit. I've always wanted depth. I wanted to look in their eyes and see them. They don't 'see' me. 

Blood is thicker than water? Who cares? I don't. I don't want to spend time with people for its own sake. Or because death is coming for us all. I don't want to waste my energy feeling depleted after I've seen them. I don't care to fit in. Truth is they don't fit in with me...or my world. 

We are the company we keep. I forget who said it...but if you end up feeling worse after being in someone's company 8 out of 10 times, you have to stop hanging out with them. And it's especially true as you get older. There is no time.

The company we keep has another side though. I never understood how someone could be friends with me and also be friends with someone they knew was a shitty person and then tell themselves it's 'just' who they are. Nope. Something about that stinks. I don't care whether it's a cousin or a friend or a brother. An asshole is an asshole. I don't tolerate that behaviour from anyone. Why would you?

So, go off and be merry. 

Just leave me alone.