Seven Of Swords

She's aware he doesn't feel all that much...for her. What does it matter what the reader said? What does it matter when you don't know for sure what someone thinks or feels? Unless they communicate it directly to you, none of it exists. 

He talks a lot about what a great man he is or how he'd been with many women in the past, like being a player was an accomplishment. She lifted her brow and then swallowed hard. She realized in that moment, he was living out some fantasy, like he was still a bachelor.

If they were both single and free to do what they wanted, she wouldn't have chosen him, after all. He's not her type. Never was. And, could never be. 

She'd only ever been with one man. The idea she could become just another notch on his belt, gave her a sinking feeling. Nothing like the pierce of disillusionment to wake you up...

Surely, if he had genuine feelings for her, she'd know it. There'd be no wondering or guessing or speculating. The truth is, he uses her to feel good about himself. He never really asks her about her, which leaves her feeling spent. Like, she's just a sounding board for him. 

It stings to know he feels nothing. She tells herself she's flattered he enjoys spending some time with her but then realizes it's just scraps he's giving. If he sees her out of context, she becomes a nobody again. Well, the nobody she always was but definitely, made clear if she ever thought otherwise.

Snakes

The drama some people carry with them and then bring to others...is maddening. My mother never fails to tell me, "Chi si metta con questa razza, diventera povera e pazza." Which translates to mean, "He who mingles with those people, shall become poor and crazy in spirit." My maternal grandfather made it a point to tell my mother and she then relayed it to me and continues to reiterate what I already know but for some reason, need reminding of.

I know why I stopped hanging out with my paternal relatives and why I only allow a couple of them to be a part of my life. One of them is absolutely all about herself, so narcissistic, so insecure, two-faced, uncaring, and soul-sucking. I show face when I need to but that's all it will ever be. I'll lay on the molasses at times but I swear it was me just being genuine. Oh my goodness...I get stabbed in the back for being so. I forget a snake is a snake is a snake. I forget people show us who they are. I must not have resolved childhood issues if I still feel this need to be close to someone who is completely incapable of putting the other first.

And don't get me started about mother hen. She's judgmental, cold, a bully, a brute...and heartless. She'll insist otherwise but if you look at her face, she's got a look of disgust on it...at all times. I can only imagine what she's thinking...and it can't be good!

There's no point trying to reason with these folks because they lack sense! That's the crutch of the story. That's what it is in a nutshell. You can try but you'll never win. They come out on top despite being at the bottom and you're left picking up the pieces of their bull-shit. 

Now, it's about keeping the peace...and at a distance, at arm's length...because otherwise, it's nothing but drama and more nonsense. I am more than all of this. That's why I took a different route long ago. 

Good riddance!

FOMO

You know life's taken a toll when you've been on a long break from social media and you're still experiencing FOMO in a big way.

I can't stand listening to cousins go on and on about their vacations. Seems like everyone has gone to, is coming back from or leaving for our homeland...well, our parents's homeland. My ancestors are my home, not the places they dwelled. 

I'm glad one of my cousins has turned me down to have coffee at least, three times. Oh my, how we've grown apart. I love these people. But, they're not my people. I shouldn't feel like a black sheep. Though, what would be the harm in it, really? 

I'm struck by their lack of depth. I thought once they had children of their own, they'd become wiser. It's just more of the same recycled matter. And on and on it goes...Their children inherit their shallowness, too.

I take after my mother who has more depth than she can travel to in this lifetime. She understands me. Maybe not fully...but, close enough. I get her, too. My mother - the dreamer, the poet. 

The people I've met over the years who've lingered in my sphere and I, in theirs...I'd change none of it. They helped me keep an open mind. They allowed me to grow and develop into a human being. What happened to these other guys? Why are they so stupid? So ignorant? Sure, they're smart on this plane, live successfully according to the structures created by others...but, they offer nothing in the way of real compassion or understanding.

I say, "Bon Voyage."