Stay Loyal To Yourself

I want to write this down so I have the pleasure, gods willing, of looking back to see how it all got me here, and where I need to be.

I was completely blind sided by my employer when we sat down to have our weekly meeting. He prefaced how it was going to be a deep discussion. I thought, "Oh, what now?" He just got back from a two week trip. I took care of his establishment while he was away. I was not on vacation except for a couple of long weekends.

On the Tuesday of the second week, he had emailed to ask how things were going. If I hadn't sniffed a degree of insecurity, I may have responded. But this guy has let me down a hundred times (and counting), I had absolutely no desire to write back while I was working and he was on vacation! Seriously, get over yourself!

He proceeded to tell me how he didn't like some of my client - oh yeah, 'practice members' - email and text responses. That I was essentially not 'bubbly' enough. I myself used that word because he seemed unable to tell me how he wanted me to change. Then he asked, "Can you accommodate the capacity required?" Something like that. He also asked if I had anything to say as though I was in agreement with his assessment. 

I looked at him in disbelief. I shrugged my shoulders. Kind of like dealing with a narcissist who thinks they're all that but are completely incapable of seeing how utterly insecure they really are...to the core.

He betrayed himself when he said he wasn't listened to at home and that I must feel that way when he doesn't listen to me. I told him that I've repeatedly told him what I need from him to be content on the job and that any push back he gets from me is because he's overstepped his bounds. Yet, he still oversteps.

I told him I thought I was doing a great job and that I was surprised. It felt like he was writing me up, like he was giving me a pink slip. I don't know what stopped me from losing my cool. I mentioned how he does this to me, at least, once a year, how this stuff comes out of left field. I mean, just last week, we were fist bumping and now he's laying it on thick and oh so formally, like I had committed the worst crime despite the 99 things I do right...and really well. What an ass-hole!

In that moment, I disliked him so much, I don't believe I'll ever go back to respecting him. When he grabs my hand to show appreciation or buys me lunch to say thanks, all before he drops a bomb, are actions rooted in insincerity. They are meaningless gestures. He's insecure and needs to be in control. If this guy treats me like this one more time, I'm walking. 

I told him how emails are formal and texts are not. If he wants me to pour the molasses while still trying to maintain some kind of authority in my role, no problem. How dare he tell me just a month ago how I'm so amazing with people and then tell me the other day, I'm not that way with everyone? Well no, I have a unique role. I've known some people for over 10 years. Others, for a couple of months. What the fuck is this guy talking about? He needs a hobby.  

Numbers are down. Then it hit me...that's why he's throwing me under the bus. It's just he and I running this ship. He's just mad at himself for making an error in judgment that cost him money. This is the last time he does this to me. 

Last time he pulled shit like this on me, he was trying to get me to work on Saturdays (1.5hrs) so I can babysit his kids! He let that part slip. I asked what I was getting out of it. He said nothing, that it was a part of my salary. I said no...and then he mentioned how he'd had the forethought that he probably shouldn't have asked because he knew he was being deceitful. Fucker! And he's reprimanding me for doing my job?!

Is there room for improvement? You bet. Of course, I can be curt. Of course, I can feel stressed out on the job. I'm performing tasks I was never hired to do...all because he finds coaches who tell him he can make more money by doing x, y, and z. But, he also stresses me out more than the job ever could.

It's him. He makes me nervous. I see him near and I feel trapped. I feel micromanaged. I hate the language he uses with me, with others, like he's found the holy grail. No grail here, my friend. It's like he's in a fucking cult and he can't see it. If he thinks I'm going to keep bending down so he can keep being an ass-hole, he's mistaken.

May the gods listen. May I find my way out of there. May I find a place where I can better use my skills and talents, a place where I feel I'm truly contributing. Because this has grown stale and stifling. Coming up to 20 years will do that! 

Seven Of Swords

She's aware he doesn't feel all that much...for her. What does it matter what the reader said? What does it matter when you don't know for sure what someone thinks or feels? Unless they communicate it directly to you, none of it exists. 

He talks a lot about what a great man he is or how he'd been with many women in the past, like being a player was an accomplishment. She lifted her brow and then swallowed hard. She realized in that moment, he was living out some fantasy, like he was still a bachelor.

If they were both single and free to do what they wanted, she wouldn't have chosen him, after all. He's not her type. Never was. And, could never be. 

She'd only ever been with one man. The idea she could become just another notch on his belt, gave her a sinking feeling. Nothing like the pierce of disillusionment to wake you up...

Surely, if he had genuine feelings for her, she'd know it. There'd be no wondering or guessing or speculating. The truth is, he uses her to feel good about himself. He never really asks her about her, which leaves her feeling spent. Like, she's just a sounding board for him. 

It stings to know he feels nothing. She tells herself she's flattered he enjoys spending some time with her but then realizes it's just scraps he's giving. If he sees her out of context, she becomes a nobody again. Well, the nobody she always was but definitely, made clear if she ever thought otherwise.

Snakes

The drama some people carry with them and then bring to others...is maddening. My mother never fails to tell me, "Chi si metta con questa razza, diventera povera e pazza." Which translates to mean, "He who mingles with those people, shall become poor and crazy in spirit." My maternal grandfather made it a point to tell my mother and she then relayed it to me and continues to reiterate what I already know but for some reason, need reminding of.

I know why I stopped hanging out with my paternal relatives and why I only allow a couple of them to be a part of my life. One of them is absolutely all about herself, so narcissistic, so insecure, two-faced, uncaring, and soul-sucking. I show face when I need to but that's all it will ever be. I'll lay on the molasses at times but I swear it was me just being genuine. Oh my goodness...I get stabbed in the back for being so. I forget a snake is a snake is a snake. I forget people show us who they are. I must not have resolved childhood issues if I still feel this need to be close to someone who is completely incapable of putting the other first.

And don't get me started about mother hen. She's judgmental, cold, a bully, a brute...and heartless. She'll insist otherwise but if you look at her face, she's got a look of disgust on it...at all times. I can only imagine what she's thinking...and it can't be good!

There's no point trying to reason with these folks because they lack sense! That's the crutch of the story. That's what it is in a nutshell. You can try but you'll never win. They come out on top despite being at the bottom and you're left picking up the pieces of their bull-shit. 

Now, it's about keeping the peace...and at a distance, at arm's length...because otherwise, it's nothing but drama and more nonsense. I am more than all of this. That's why I took a different route long ago. 

Good riddance!

FOMO

You know life's taken a toll when you've been on a long break from social media and you're still experiencing FOMO in a big way.

I can't stand listening to cousins go on and on about their vacations. Seems like everyone has gone to, is coming back from or leaving for our homeland...well, our parents's homeland. My ancestors are my home, not the places they dwelled. 

I'm glad one of my cousins has turned me down to have coffee at least, three times. Oh my, how we've grown apart. I love these people. But, they're not my people. I shouldn't feel like a black sheep. Though, what would be the harm in it, really? 

I'm struck by their lack of depth. I thought once they had children of their own, they'd become wiser. It's just more of the same recycled matter. And on and on it goes...Their children inherit their shallowness, too.

I take after my mother who has more depth than she can travel to in this lifetime. She understands me. Maybe not fully...but, close enough. I get her, too. My mother - the dreamer, the poet. 

The people I've met over the years who've lingered in my sphere and I, in theirs...I'd change none of it. They helped me keep an open mind. They allowed me to grow and develop into a human being. What happened to these other guys? Why are they so stupid? So ignorant? Sure, they're smart on this plane, live successfully according to the structures created by others...but, they offer nothing in the way of real compassion or understanding.

I say, "Bon Voyage."