Here To Feel

I thought that was it. When you walked away after we hugged. I knew what would come after. I knew a few weeks ago. Despite wanting the day to come, I also knew what that meant...another chapter closing.

I know life's made up of a series of endings. The ultimate end between partners when the curtain drops. Endings in between jobs when we're making plans. Endings between people in casual relationships. That three week vacation. Your wedding day. The birth of a child. And on and on it goes, ironically.

I was so sad and yet, so grateful. This bittersweet taste of longing, I know this too shall pass.

A thought popped into my head after you said the company was paying for lunch...I suddenly had a sinking feeling. I heard, "Oh, this is all it is. What's so special about this? Just something he's going to write off." Literally and metaphorically.

And that was that, as we gathered our things and made our way to the sidewalk on a glorious November day, heading back to the building, my home.

You're such a talker, the way you move without a care in the world. I was mostly quiet, walking by myself, aware you seemed not to want to walk next to me. I get it. I get it. I really do.

You give yourself away at times, like me. You'll mention her. I'll mention him. But, there are pockets, spaces, when mentioning them feels like a secret you want to keep to yourself out of fear you'll hurt the other person's feelings. Why do we do this? Are we being cruel? Protective? Who are we protecting? Them? You? Me? Who?

I know why I do it. It must be why you do it, too. 

Two days later, after two nights of a kind of suffering I can't really describe, I see a message in my inbox. I don't recall having placed an order for anything. 

Had you always had this gift for me? 

I should have called. But, I'm too shy, too self-conscious, too aware, too afraid of what it might feel like before the hang up. You know, that small space between moments when it's time to say good-bye. What if you closed the gap too quickly? What if your tone was one of indifference? That would have killed me.

Better a text then...it's easy, more dreamy, less direct, not so invasive, more gentle. We're both still in our lanes. No place for demands.

I hope you keep your word again though I dare not hold my breath. I know how long it took to keep your word this time - at least, 6 months!

Thank you. For helping me see. For helping me feel. That's why I'm here...to feel.