Trajectories

I miss those days. I hate how time does that, how it takes and takes until there's nothing left to take...and for us to give. It's all gone.

Today we're sitting in the living room overlooking Lake Simcoe. The sun is shining. The water is sparkling. The birds are chirping. My father in law is saying something no one can hear. And today is now yesterday, last week, last month, last year...15 to 20 years ago! What?! How?! 

When you thought you had time and a lot of it, it was kind of true. But our existence is just a mish mash of all of these moments and most of these moments are not even remembered. So then they literally become polaroids, snapshots in your mind. 

Oh God. Dear God. My God. Can you hear me? How can you hear me if I can't hear You? You must be in the sea and the air. In the fire and the earth. You must be the sea, the air, the fire and the earth. And be all things, both animate and be in all things, inanimate. I don't have the eyes to see and the ears to hear. I'm sorry.

I'm stuck here because I was stuck over there and who says time isn't linear? In my mind, there's a sequence I can't escape. This is the trajectory. My trajectory...and I know where it goes and how it ultimately ends....for you and for me.

I'm not sitting on the dock by Lake Simcoe anymore. Except in my memory. If I'm blessed with more days, I'll be creating more memories. What kind of memories will they be? What of me will have participated in their creation? Our memories are made up of who we were when we lived them. 

I wasn't all that much. 

The Good

No one looks you in the eye anymore. We've been watching too much Dateline and 48hrs. Everyone's a crook. He's out to get you. So is she. And on and on it goes. You're lucky if you get a smile. Seriously, you are one lucky fool. If you make yourself available to catch one...while you're busy telling yourself how much the world's gone to shit, how people are bad to the core, how you're not one of them.

But, you are. You are one of them. When you complain how there aren't any good people left, they'll be saying the same thing about you. We dislike in the other what we dislike in ourselves. But, it's too much work to be this aware. Maybe even a little disheartening. 

There is good in this world. There is. Sometimes, you don't have to dig too deep. You just have to look up at the sky, take more than a glance at a tree or a flower. Then you'll notice the beauty. Though this isn't the kind of good I'm talking about or what most people refer to...

Where are the good people? Those whose goals extend beyond their careers and jobs? 

Beyond the roles they play and the duties they fulfill. 

I want to believe in, "As above, so below." Then I realized it's not all good. You have to take it with the bad, too. Heaven on earth? Good luck, babe! Heaven is a place where there aren't any humans! As long as we're alive, we're prone to mischief, deceit and temptation. I don't mean temptation in the usual, religious sense. 

Temptation comes in many forms. There's a space where the truth enters and time feels like it's stopped. When you go against this truth, against your better judgment, you're bound to pay a price. 

If we weren't so weak, so needy, so greedy, so fearful of aloneness and death..we'd stop chasing the almighty dollar. There's no real security in that. It was only ever supposed to be a means to an end. Now, it's 'the' ultimate chase but you get nothing in the end. There is no you. We're just ashes. Ashes.

Blowing in the wind, returning to the earth...I want more than this. I wanted to feel things I don't think I ever will. It's sad. I don't want to question someone's motives. I want to believe there's sincerity and genuineness in the words people use. 

I hope you can prove me right. Or is it, wrong?