The Flutter

I know what goes through people's minds when they see you sitting, time after time, alone at a cafe. They assume you are alone and they equate this aloneness with loneliness. Let me set this straight.

This is exactly where I want to be...here alone with my cappuccino and lemon meringue pie, including the thoughts I see form on my plate or in the cinnamon in my cup.

I like where my mind goes sometimes. This kind of peace that finally enters wouldn't be even remotely possible by sitting together with another person. Not that I don't enjoy the company of others. It's just that I need this space I've carved out for myself to recharge and refuel. Otherwise, I can't be good to me and I won't have enough of anything to be good to the other.

I cherish this time alone. I notice the blue of the sky. I hear the chirps of birds. I sense the churning of soil, can feel the anticipation of warm rain. Do you think that would be possible otherwise? Not unless I tuned out the person talking. But that would be rude, wouldn't it?

I choose this. I don't need you. I don't need him. I don't need anything except for what's always right here. I just have to sit quietly and observe. I just need to settle into myself.

Oh baby, you're the guy who's going to wish he'd married someone like me. But you were too busy spreading your seed to notice, too busy being the kind of guy I never had any interest in. And I was busy being the girl you see right now, busy growing into the woman you thought didn't exist. That's your problem.

It's not your fault you were raised in the usual way. It's not flattering or sexy knowing how many women you've been with. Not that there's anything wrong with that. It only becomes gross when all the women you slept with are judged as "worse than guys." I can't stand the double standard.

I don't even know why I care to argue given I was never the kind of woman to throw myself at some guy just because he had money. I make my own money. Always have. And then I found a man with similar values as mine. I can't expect a stubborn man like you to understand. You can't understand. It's not in your nature.

Now I have to wait for this fluttering to stop, a fluttering that began when I thought I might need you. Boy, was I wrong. 

We all make our choices, don't we? We get exactly what we deserve, whether we like it or not.

I got what I deserve. I'm so lucky, baby. I love how Mary leads the way, how she helps me see. 

Birds & Lions

I got my back. I know you have yours too. What are we doing? What's happening? Where is this leading to? Oh yes, right here. Again. It's just me sitting in a cafe feeling the light on my face, listening to voices around me...and the ones in my head.

It's too dangerous to move down towards my heart. I'm afraid it's going to whisper a truth I don't want to hear. It'll just mean another thought in my head I'll have to face eventually. And just like that, here it is.

What am I to do with this? You come in like a lion and leave like a bird. Either way, you don't belong here. You're not good for me. How can you be when you wreak so much havoc? 

Yet, you're missed. I miss you now. I hate you for that. My aloneness becomes my loneliness. How dare you have that kind of power over me? In a world filled with capitalists whose values cannot be rooted in anything good, what am I to do with this extra and unnecessary darkness?

The cards tell me my name is also Strength. I've got a kind of influence a man can only dream of. It isn't in his nature to recognize this sort of thing within himself...because he doesn't have it. I have it. I can cultivate it. I can enhance it. I can work silently and quietly behind the scenes and you would never know it. You don't have the eyes to see or the ears to hear. 

I do.

I have overcome. Do you understand what that means to overcome? I've got control of that lion, my friend. I dictate how things go. Not you. I'll have you purring in the palm of my hand instead of roaring. You won't see it coming. How can you? When I'm sitting quietly and lady-like in the corner of the room. 

I go to no one. In this case, it's much better to be wanted than needed. I need myself...and I've got her back.